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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Don't ask me for Diet advice!

This is why I don't listen to any diet advice. Thank you J.C. for this email today!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Be happy


Barbara said...

Diets pfffft!
The only reason I am loosing weight is because I am single. I don't advice being single as a good diet plan. But it's a good excuse to go buy a new outfit.

Nabeel said...

eat when u are not that hungry .. that's the advice I give .. i.e. don't wait till u get extremely hungry

Barbara Bruederlin said...

See? Fruits and vegetables! It all boils down to that - whatever form they happen to be in.

Alana said...

I wonder if that person could rationalize slurpees for me so I don't feel bad about drinking them...

I love the swimming explanation though, I never thought about it that way, whales are HUGE and those bastards swim in their sleep!!

Barbara said...

I can rationalize chocolate but not slurpees. I think the whales blame there fat genes on their mothers...
Barbara B has a point. Is it a fruit flavoured slurpee?
Nabeel maybe it's not when you eat that counts it's when you stop eating...

Alana said...

Hmmm...fruit flavoured slurpees. I guess Orange Crush, even Bananarama slurpees could count. But everytime I cheat and get a slurpee, it's almost always maybe I could just rationalize it as a spice?

Barbara said...

yeah Dr Pepper is a spice... good one.

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